A New Chapter

Charles Bukowski’s “The Blue Bird” (Animated)

2012-01-27T09:14:00.000-05:00

"there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?"

"My empire of dirt..." ~NIN

2012-01-24T13:39:00.011-05:00

Why did I put all this here in such a public format? Because I need to remember what I did to someone who cared so much for me. How callously I regarded the relationship. To, hopefully, one day take an unfettered look back at the man I was.

Who the fuck am I anymore? What kind of man have I become? What happened to my heart?

L broke up with me Sunday morning. I had stayed the night at her apartment and left my iPhone in the kitchen to charge overnight. Her puppy had awoken her early in the morning, so she got up to take her out to use the bathroom and I had fallen back to sleep. Sometime before 9AM, L came into the bedroom, turned the light on, pulled the covers off me, and said that she saw the naked pictures on my phone that I had texted to Kristin in November and December, and that I needed to leave.

There was nothing that I could say. She was right. I send Kristin (from Texas) a few naked pictures and a video last November/December. To add to L's pain, I sent Kristin the same pictures that I sent to L. To further add to her pain, I send L a video titled "For Your Eyes Only," which is the same video that I sent to Kristin.

Cheating. Deception. Lies. Betrayal. Heartbreak.

We talked for about an hour (well, I mainly talked while she listened). There was no valid explanation I could give. I was a complete asshole and destroyed our relationship for a pointless ego boost. To make matters worse, it was as though Kristin requested the pictures or even responded in kind. There were never requests that I fly back to Texas to see her, or that we take these flirtations to another level. She was appreciative of the texts but never asked for more. All it was a cheap thrill for me.

I left her apartment around 11AM Sunday morning with nothing changed. Obviously, nothing I could say or do would change what I had done. She had thought that I was different, but I was simply another boyfriend who had cheated on her. I wrecked her just as others have and left her standing in her apartment with teary and bloodshot eyes. To add to the impact, she had been selected for a special 90-day assignment with a new undercover unit, and day one was Monday.

At 3PM, L sent me this angry email:

"nothing to say?" .... oddly I've got plenty. For starters I am SO PISSED OFF it's unreal. I am such a fool! I believed that you would not be "that guy" especially after the last time we had this exact conversation and you cried and said you were so sorry and you did not ever want me to doubt you. and here we are. "I don't know why I did it" is NOT AN ANSWER, EXCUSE, OR SANE EXPLANATION. I once again gave all I could in the hopes you would just give A LITTLE and I get repaid by you sending yourself masturbating to another woman after LYING TO ME about "I'm a one woman guy." Oh really?? ....You should come with a warning label that says, oh and by the way I'm a liar and I'll fool you but not before I break your heart a few times and then say sorry, I am "want" to be a good person...

Well guess what... being a "good" person is really not that hard. You have choices presented to you every day, you simply choice the "good" decision.... and to send yourself jerking off to another woman while you have a girlfriend should NOT be a moral dilemma!!!

I obviously made yet another HUGE CHARACTER mistake with you, thinking you were a good person, and at the very least, not be the perverted cheating guy that you've turned out to be. And after I told you about my uncle and the shit he put me through,.... I have been totally and completely betrayed by you. You are NOT a good person, GOOD people don't do this.

My entire family is so sad for me, they can't believe you turned out to be such an disappointment and jackass.

I can't believe it either. I am crushed.

and if you have ANY morals at all when you tell people why we broke up you might want to avoid blaming it on me b/c I will tell them the truth... delete any pics you have of me, and it's a shame we just came off a long vacation together that I thought was a fantastic time in Philly and New York and You DESTROYED any happy memories for me.

Take pride in your handy work, You fucked me up really well.

and Don't worry, I will send more emails if I feel the need to vent... the least you can do is accept responsibility for the fucking mourning period I'm going to go through.

next time, Just break up with the girl instead of pulling this shit.

At 4PM, L texted me this: "Sending Kristin email. Just curious about a few things."

I replied, "Go ahead. You deserve to know everything."

L replied, "Would have been nice to hear it from you. I honestly can't believe you did this. I want to be over and past you already. I need some serious closure and I want it now. So meet me at W*****m Park w my crate and whatever I have over there so I can be done."

About 30 minutes later, L sent this: "I just have to laugh. We have been "together" now for almost 6 months and the only thing you have here is 2 books. Huh guess that says it all, this "relationship" really was just a joke. Too bad my heart doesn't realize that yet."

L had left a dog crate and a few personal items here, and had emailed me earlier to ask that I leave them outside my door when I left for class on Tuesday afternoon, so she could pick them up then on her way home. Instead (and understandably so) she wanted to get this over with immediately.

She met me at the park around 5PM, and we exchanged each other's things. I then asked if she'd take a walk with me. We walked a bit, found a picnic table, sat for what was probably an hour, and talked. I did most of the talking while L wept at times or displayed controlled anger or pain. As dusk began to settle in, I suggested we walk back to our cars. We made the trek back to our cars, and once we arrived, there was the awkward moment of what to do next. I embraced her and broke down. I told her how sorry I was and how much I regretted what I had done. I cried like I haven't cried in years... It was such an unexpected and deeply emotional release and was completely uncontrollable. As darkness set in, and the hordes of mosquitoes attacked us, we got in our separate vehicles and left. I thought that was that.

Yesterday (Monday), around 12:30, I received the text, "Coffee?"

I met her a half-hour later at the Starbucks down the road. Now that she is temporarily assigned to a new unit, her "office" is just a few miles down the road from me. We talked for about a half-hour about her first day and briefly about my homework and my classes. Nothing about us or our relationship.

Also, since L was assigned to a new unit, she was given an undercover car. Since she had driven her patrol car to the station in the morning, she needed someone to help her drive her patrol car back to her apartment. Originally, I was supposed to help her; but, in light of what transpired, she has asked that her cousin help. Her cousin, who she loathes, said, "she does not drive after 7PM," so L asked if I could still help if her cousin bailed.

Of course, her cousin ditched her, so L texted to see if I could still help. I said it wouldn't be a problem, and we spend about an hour relocating her vehicle's. Knowing that L rarely eats, on the way home I asked if she'd like to stop at Panera to grab some dinner. She replied that she did not have any money. I said, "That's alright. I'll get you." She agreed and we stopped for dinner. Believing it was to-go, I didn't specify that it was not, so we received our meal's in a bag. L headed for a table, so I grabbed the bag and joined her. Again, we had a pleasant time together, but did not talk of anything serious.

After she dropped me back off at my apartment last night, I sent her the following text: "I'm always going to be here for you... For anything."

L replied, "I just feel lost and hurt along with angry and frustrated. But I guess friendship's not a bad thing. Just wasn't what I had hoped for."

To which I replied, "I know you do. I feel like shit and my stomach is always in knots for what I did to you."

Now to this morning (Tuesday), I received this email from L:

"My stupid calendar alarm went off reminding me to get your butt up so we could go for a run together this morning! :( I need to go and delete all the plans I made for us this month."

I replied, "I was up at 6:30 again... I wish that I was a better person. I hate what I did and I am sorry for the pain I've caused you. Nothing I can ever say or do will erase my actions. You deserved so much better."

To which she curtly replied, "I love the effort. Thanks." Followed by the following text exchange between us:

L: "I just wish you would have told me that you were not into this and you were interested in someone else."

R: "I'm not interested in anyone else. It was an idiotic mistake and I wish I'd never done it. It wasn't because of you or anything I wasn't getting in the relationship. I'm a mess of a person."

L: "I know I need to let all this go and stop wanting something that doesn't exist It's just hard for me to stop fighting for things I want. It's time for me to face that it's not my battle, and therefore, not my fight. The problem is I don't think you've ever fought for anything and you give up very easily. Every other second I go from mad and hurt to missing your smile, touch, laugh, and kiss. But I know it's not mutual and as you put it before, everything you ever felt with me was artificial anyway. I think that hurts more than the videos and pictures. You know you took something that I thought was so special, intimate, and sexy and was an "us" thing and you made it cheap and dirty and meaningless. Every time you send me something it made me feel unique and special to you. I'm such a girl for that!"

R: "The things I feel for you aren't artificial. Everything that poured out of me at the park was real and true. There were so many wonderful moments when things felt perfect and wonderful, and I miss you terribly. I ruined what could've been amazing and long lasting because I wanted to show off. You saw me as handsome, strong, sexy, and good. But, I see myself in a much dimmer light. I have serious issues that I need to work through, and I wish that I let you in long ago. You would have done anything and everything to help me."

L: "And I still would but you need to decide if YOU are ready to let someone in and you need to take those first steps. I can't do anymore to prove to you I am worth trusting and letting in, and that there is nothing short of you cheating on me that I wouldn't support and be there for you through. But you have to be the one to start this, it's out of my hands until you tell me you want me to be there, until you decide and tell me you want to actively work towards a great relationship, a great you. But if you don't want to be bothered with the effort or simply don't want to be with me, then I understand that too."

R: "I want to change! I am so tired of living (if you can call it that) like this -- always fighting to stay above the surface. What I need is a little time. I need to do what I should've done years ago and work on making me better. I am a good and optimistic person, but somewhere over the years, I lost my way. I know that I am not in a good place in my life, and I will only push away or hurt everyone else in my life until I help myself. I have spent years lonely and maintaining an emotional distance from everyone and I am miserable and disgusted with who I am. I left a voicemail with my VA psychiatrist about how long it will be before I see the new counselor she assigned me to. Please know that you were never but great to me. I'm not asking that you wait for me or put your life on hold because I don't know what I will find, but I don't want to hurt you anymore until I stop hurting myself. I do deeply care for you and I feel things for you I haven't felt in I don't know how long. But, right now, I will only hurt you until I help myself."

I got only a cryptic "Goodbye" as a reply. I have a sinking feeling that this is a goodbye for good.

Finally, I texted Kristin on Sunday afternoon after L said that she planned to email her. I said, "I've lied to you these past 6 months and I am sorry. You deserved to know that I was seeing someone and I should not have sent sexual emails and texts to you. My now ex-girlfriend saw them on my iPhone today. She deserved better and so did you."

Not surprising, Kristin never replied to my text... So, and maybe for the best, she is gone from my life as well.

I do not know if L and I will ever reconcile and get back together. Maybe I should have realized much earlier how she and I are in two different places in life. And it was not like I didn't get enough attention from her. Sure, as a cop, her schedule was a little crazy, and we didn't see one another as often as we'd like. Nevertheless, when we did, I saw it in her eyes how much she missed and cared me. L told me several times that she would be willing to sacrifice her professional life to make her personal life work. She was passionate and said I was the best lover she had ever had. I think she loved me.

L said I always made her feel like she was imposing. That I often made her feel as if I did not want her around. Like she couldn't just "stop in" and see me without inconveniencing me. I tried to explain to her that was not the case, but words only do so much.

I keep asking myself why I did it. Initially, I told L that I didn't know why I did it, and at the time, it was the truth. Now that I have had more time to contemplate, I feel that maybe it's a self-esteem issue or something egomaniacal in substance – a grandiose act with a serious lack of empathy. Maybe I am emotionally immature or have issues with intimacy. The only thing I know for sure is that I hate what I've done to her.

I called the VA this morning to inquire about my reassignment to another counselor. When I met with my psychiatrist on 17Jan for a follow-up review, I told her that the medication did nothing for me (besides the hives) and that I did not want to try anything else until I can see a counselor on a regular basis. The new counselor I saw on 8Dec isn't able to see me again until 8Mar, so that does me absolutely no good. The psychiatrist said that they hired a new counselor and that she would assign me to him in the hope that he can see me on a regular basis. As of this morning, he still hasn't reviewed the note she left in his file and made me an appointment, so the nurse I spoke to on the phone has let yet another note. I only hope I can be seen very, soon.

As I've said before, maybe I will finally get some help and find happiness within myself. As time goes by, I may find that L is not who I want to be in a relationship with, and I will have to let her know this. My hope is that she lets me go and allows me to work on "me" for a while. It was unfair to get involved with her knowing that I was not happy with myself and that I could not make her completely happy. It may be a lonely (and lengthy) road I am on, but if I do not do this for myself, it will be an even lonelier road and one that would not end well.

"For what it's worth, it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. You can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength and courage to change your life around."
~ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Charles Stross' predictions of 2032 and 2092...

2012-01-15T23:11:00.001-05:00

World building 301: some projections

World building 302: Psychology, beliefs, and other times

Road tripping...

2012-01-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

Headed up to PA for a week with L to visit her family and do some sightseeing. Going to check out Philadelphia (and their cheesesteaks) as well as a night in New York City. Hoping for a fun and safe road trip!

CBS News - On the Road: Bringing dad home for Christmas

2011-12-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Slate Magazine: 'No Reason for the Season'

2011-12-22T11:22:00.001-05:00

The joy of celebrating a godless Christmas by Torie Bosch.

Forbes: Why Republicans Embrace Simpletons and How it Hurts America

2011-12-17T14:16:00.000-05:00

Why Republicans Embrace Simpletons and How it Hurts America - Yahoo! News

Milestone...

2011-12-08T10:24:00.003-05:00

I turned 35 years old today.

I finally have my first counseling appointment at the VA today, and I am truly hoping it is the beginning of a better and (mentally) healthier path in my life. Also, I have my last final exam of the semester tonight (in Political Analysis). If I do well on it, I should have three A's and a B this semester.

Hoping next year brings continued success and happier times.

Poison..

2011-12-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

I began this post over a week ago, but thanks to a nasty cold, I had to put it on the back burner...

As I've written, in addition to the VA counseling I'll begin receiving (finally beginning next week), on 3 Aug, I was prescribed Celexa in (eventual) conjunction with the counseling. Since that time, per the doctor's order, I have been splitting the pill in half and taking only 20mg. On 17 Oct, I had a follow-up appointment with the VA psychiatrist, and she advised me to up my intake to the full dosage (40mg) based on the lack of improvement of my depression. Due to inadvertently having my refill Rx mailed to me, and having gone a week with no Celexa, I waited a few weeks to begin the higher dosage to have my system reacclimatize to the 20mg dosage.

If my memory serves me correctly, I began the full dosage on 14 Nov, and it did not take long for all hell to break loose. As I take it at night, I woke up something during the night itching. I applied some anti-itch cream and went back to bed. Thinking maybe there was a spider in my bed, I changed the sheets the next day. Also, I found myself extremely drowsy and even a nap couldn't satiate me. The following night, I took another pill and again woke up itching. Only this time, the reaction was much greater, so I again applied the cream and went back to bed. The next morning, I woke up extremely fatigued and not feeling too good. As the day progressed, I again took another nap to no avail. As day turned into night, I broke out into hives that quickly spread over my body. Tried a cold shower, but it didn't last; so, I endured the agony for a bit before I popped two Benadryl and went to bed. Fortunately, they seemed to do the trick and I managed to get some sleep.

I had deep suspicions that the higher dose of Celexa was causing the hives, and a bit of research on the Internet confirmed it. So, I went against the (sound?) advice on the Internet sites and went off it cold turkey. I had only been taking a half a dose for weeks, so my hope was the side effects would be minimal. And they might well have been, but I'll never know for sure as I decided to battle a severe cold that began in the days after I quit taking Celexa.

It began with fatigue, congestion, and a cough, but by the Monday before Thanksgiving, it had progressed to a sore throat and fever. Since I did not get a flu shot this year, I suspected it might have been that. All I know for sure it that it was kicking my ass.

L and I had a reconciliation in early October (which is another post), and she planned to stay over Thanksgiving week since we had planned to do Thanksgiving together at my aunt's home. However, she was also suffering from a sore throat, although a bit milder than mine, so we ended up staying here for Thanksgiving. Sadly, this meant no festive Thanksgiving foods or fun.

After some heavy promoting by L, I called the VA clinic on Friday morning. I fought her on it believing I could tough it out, but by Friday morning, I could feel the infection moving into my ears. Unfortunately, after waiting on hold for 30 minutes, I found that they didn't have any opening that day. However, I was able to get a prescription for Amoxicillin, which I picked up later that afternoon (after going back to bed). By Sunday, I was feeling better and feel almost completely recovered today. Which is fortunate since I have finals next week!

"The Thorium Dream"

2011-11-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

"...an implicit statement of optimism."

2011-11-13T10:38:00.000-05:00

The Technium: The Clock in the Mountain

The Economist: Artificial intelligence

2011-11-12T12:09:00.000-05:00

Artificial Intelligence Took America's Jobs And It's Going To Take A Lot More

"ABC's Wide World of Sports 'Agony of Defeat'-worthy brain turd." ~Jon Stewart on Rick Perry

2011-11-11T10:27:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

NPR: "'Power For The Planet': Company Bets Big On Fusion"

2011-11-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

"The world would be a very different place if we could bottle up a bit of the sun here on Earth and tap that abundant and clean energy supply."

6 Well-Kept Secrets About America In One Graphic

2011-11-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

"Although the resolution does not create any binding law, its consideration cost more than $215,000 in Members’ salaries and floor operation costs, and Democrats ridiculed the decision to bring up the measure." ~Roll Call, 11/1/2011 - 'House Passes ‘In God We Trust’ Measure'

L's Letter...

2011-11-06T09:44:00.004-05:00

I emailed L a letter on Thursday night in an attempt to explain my thoughts and feelings on our relationship. The following is her reply (sent last night):

I read your letter several times and decided to wait a few days before responding to make sure I had time to think about what I wanted to say.

Nothing in your letter hurt my feelings. I could almost feel the "pressure" you felt being in this relationship, so I want to make it clear where I am at in all this. I am in NO hurry to get married again…. to anyone. I know I said this before, but let me restate, I’ve been divorced for 8 years, and I have not gotten remarried not because of the lack of proposals, but because I had NO intention of ever getting married again. I’ve since thought that I’d like to give it another chance if/when the right person came along. I don’t know if you’re that right person, but I do know I never meant for you to feel pressured about that topic. When I asked about whether or not you would ever get married again it was not because I wanted to go get married next month, it’s because I knew I did not want to get involved with someone who was dead set against the concept. The same with the kid question. It was simply to establish where we stood with the ideas. If I actually did ever consider getting married again to someone, it would be after a LONG courtship and definitely after living together for a few years. So you need to put that stress wwwaaaaayyyyy aside – I am most definitely NOT interested in marriage anytime soon. (any...time...soon).

I know when we started out things were great – surface relationships always are. I didn’t get "serious" with this until you told your cousin your biggest concern was our schedules. After she told me that I wanted to know how big an issue it was for you. It wasn’t to freak you out or because I wanted "more." In case you haven’t figured this out about me yet, I want to know where I stand with people and I normally try to give them the same courtesy. With you its different b/c you’re more apt to take things the wrong way (i.e …marriage tomorrow, having a kid next wk, etc) so I have learned the hard way I need to approach topics from a different angle.

My entire life I have felt that feeling of not living up to my true potential. I still feel that way, but with this job to a lesser degree. I know this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life, so it still leaves me wondering, "What next?" I’ve done A LOT of soul searching the past few weeks. I’ve read, meditated, gone to the temple and surrounded myself with people of true wisdom. I’ve read this quote over and over again,

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves.
It is not possible to find it anywhere else.”

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that and trying to find away to be nicer to myself… To be less critical of EVERYTHING I do, and actually try to find a way to forgive myself for all my past stupid mistakes. I will find a way, because if I don’t, I know I won’t find my happiness. I would never assume to know what you’re looking for, but I suspect that you’re not going to find it anywhere else but inside yourself.

As far as your daughter and ex-wife go…. I do not feel in anyway threatened by the interaction you have with them. I don’t feel I am in competition with them, nor do I feel like I come "second." We both live full and busy lives. Our families are a top priority for both of us, they are a part of what makes us who we are. Interactions and where we both fit into one another’s family will come in time, there’s no need to add any extra pressure there.

In your letter you said "and it all boils down to what each individual is looking to put into their relationship with the other person." That is very true… and yet you never actually said what you were willing to put into this.

I don’t know what the future holds. With my schedule, lord only knows. It looks like I’ll be going back to afternoons for a while. This job is ever changing so every three months I have no guarantees what my hours are. I do know I am looking for stability, no rollercoasters, and someone who isn’t going to make me think they are going to bolt because some Commander thinks I need to try a different shift. I want someone to stand by me during the fun and tough times, and I want someone who never makes me doubt myself. I want to give nothing but the same in return. I know its only been 3 months, and again, I’m not looking for a life time commitment, but I am looking to gain a little confidence in this so I can make plans a week in advance and be 98% sure you’ll be there. I don’t think that is really asking all that much… and if it is, then yes, I do think we should be just friends, and I am ok with that. I’d rather just continue to get over this, then relive the past week again.

Perhaps we can start over again, with a fresh slate but armed with some knowledge that will help us both make better decisions on how to talk to one another. Maybe we just start with a friendship and see how things build from there. We do have a lot in common, things I never thought I would share with someone, and the potential for greatness definitely exists. I hope we can figure it out before we ruin something that could be as rare and precious as what my dear grandparents had. Jobs will come and go, but people… you are not replaceable, nor am I.

So, seeing on how neither one of us brought our crystal balls, all I can say is that we are both smart, intelligent, determined, and passionate people. If this is meant to be, it will, despite schedules, locations, etc. I know too many people who lived hours or even states away from one another and made things work – my sister and her husband lived in two separate states for the first 8 months…. If it’s meant to be and both parties are willing to put in the effort, it can’t fail.

So, let’s start with relieving any pressure and start with being friends. I have no problems just hanging out, going for walks on the beach or finding some treasures in the area. We can see how things progress from there. If you still want me to go to the concert next week, I’d like to go.

I will hope the best for us, be it together or just as friends.

L

"The Greatest Speech Ever Made"

2011-11-03T18:17:00.001-04:00

SF Gate: "Seven billion ways to swallow God"

2011-11-02T17:05:00.001-04:00

Mark Morford: "Seven billion ways to swallow God"

"Seven billion eager souls later, you'd think we'd have it sort of figured out.

Seven billion mewling, wailing, weirdly miraculous babies in to this bizarre human experiment, you'd think someone would finally understand something of the true nature of things, how to make it all hold together, to sustain it long-term with joy and gratitude and humility, as opposed to the far more dominant energies of war and struggle, force and greed and please shut the hell up before I stab you in the eye with this fork."

"Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made..." ~Adele

2011-10-28T14:08:00.027-04:00

I'd rather not air this out here, but I need to write to clear my head...

"Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either."
~ Erich Fromm

L and I finally reached our breaking point on Wednesday morning and decided to take some time apart. Well, that was the plan initially. However, that hasn't stopped her from texting me the past two days to tell me that it's officially over.

I have done some, well, dumb shit (that I will not go into here), and L had lost a substantial amount of trust in me. Also, she understood that I didn't know exactly what I wanted in a potentially "serious" relationship. When we first got together in August, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married again or have another child. I was honest, because, honestly, I do not know what I want right now. If things progressed well with us, then I'm sure marriage and a family would be inevitable. However, she wasn't willing to take such a gamble -- she is 37 and has been in enough relationships to know exactly what she wants.

Therefore, after a long talk Tuesday night, and early Wednesday morning, we agreed that we would take some time apart so I could figure out what I want. However, she was still understandably torn and decided to end it (by text) later Wednesday afternoon, followed by more conversation and agreeing to work to stay together. After that was agreed upon, she invited me over that night. By then, my mind and soul were worn thin, and after initially agreeing to go over, I made a "lame" excuse and told her I was too tired to come over. She replied, something to the effect of, "If you really cared, then you would've come over and tried to make it work." I tried to make her understand that I was emotionally drained and my mind was going in a million different directions. I knew that if I was to go over, and with the stresses I was feeling, that it would be a wasted trip.

So, we ended up talking for another hour (as I listened to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore as she sat on the beach) before we again decided to take some time apart -- no phone calls and no texts. This lasted until yesterday afternoon when again I received two texts:

"Do you want me to drop the kayak off there?"

"Sorry. I wasn't planning on talking to you at all until you've had some space, but I needed a phone number. I should have left it at that I'm just hurting and stressed. Sorry about the kayak, it's the least of the problems right now."

Finally, this morning, I received a final text:

"And I am going to be strong and end this for both of us. I wish you well."

I called her and we again talked for about 30 minutes. After speaking with a counselor this morning, she came to the realization that doesn't want to be in another relationship where the guy seems indifferent about the relationship, and there isn't a solid trust the relationship is built upon. She doesn't want to be in one if I don't "fight to stay together." At the same time she says, "Part of me that wants to fall in bed with you and hold and squeeze you, and know that everything will be okay, while another part of me wants to run." We again agreed to take some time apart so I could figure out exactly what I want, only this time, it felt different. She is no longer holding onto hope and is letting me go. If someday, when I figure things out, I can call her "and see where we are." Maybe, if we're both unattached and willing, then we might be able to give it another chance. She just isn't going to invest anymore of her heart into the relationship and is letting me go indefinitely.

I completely understand why she is walking away -- a breakup with the possible option of a second chance. She said that she felt like she had finally met the one person where things would work out "just this once" as she put it. L is a truly amazing person and we had some fantastic times together...my first serious relationship since the ex-wife debacle years ago. However, scars from that relationship are still there and found their way into this one. I'd try my best to ignore them but they held on strong. After an argument with L, I'd expect her to hold a grudge and not speak with me for days as P did. Instead, like a normal adult, we would settle the argument and L would be fine. Only, I would be the one to be on edge still expecting those days of contempt.

We both had our major personal issues, and our opposing schedules and the 30-minute distance from one another didn't help. However, we both saw the immense potential, but it seems as though we've spend the past two months struggling to make things work. Perhaps I've already done too much damage to this relationship (through my own pernicious actions) to ever move it back to good. Maybe she isn't the one I'm supposed to end up with, or maybe she is the one and I'm too self-absorbed to realize it.

Am I too disconnected to myself to love anyone else? Am incapable of falling in love? I've seen it written that to fall you love you must have an ability to give up control and the ability to lower your defenses. That vulnerability can be impossible for some people, and those same people find it difficult to experience the emotion of love and to let others in. I know that I have never felt real love, which is fucking sad. Maybe I'm just not built that way. Yet, it seems as though I should be able to love.

Now, with L seeming to walk away and allow me time to do some "soul searching," that is what I'll do. It is disconcerting that I do not have a counseling appointment until 8Dec, as I could really use someone to talk to (though, my sister and my best friend C are truly helpful). I am still in a transitional period in my life, and who knows what will happen? Perhaps I realize that I want no one else but L in my life. Or, I'll find that she and I were not meant to be and I will never find happiness and peace with her. All I really want is to find answers...

At the same time, I find myself confused. I actually feel a guilty relief at the fact that the relationship is basically over. It seems as though the relationship became too much work for me to actually enjoy the solace a relationship can provide. This, subconsciously, may be the main reason I didn't go over on Wednesday night. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down quite yet, or perhaps it was too serious, too fast. Maybe, while it may take years, I need to win this battle with depression before I commit to another serious relationship. Then again, maybe it's me and I'm just horrible at relationships. Destined to leave a (sadly poetic) path of broken hearts.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
~ Hermann Hesse

Update: 10/29/2011 @ 2:10 PM

As I was leaving for the gym this afternoon, I found a bag sitting outside my door with two books and some clothes I'd left at L's apartment... This feeling sucks.

Richard Reeves: The Worst Generation

2011-10-28T13:08:00.000-04:00

Truthdig: "The Worst Generation"

Charlie Rose: Interview with Jeffrey Sachs of Columbia University

2011-10-26T09:49:00.001-04:00

Jeffrey Sachs, Director of The Earth Institute at Columbia University on his book 'The Price of Civilization: Reawakening American Virtue and Prosperity'

Disgusted...

2011-10-14T12:58:00.007-04:00

I finally reached those depths after driving home from class in Orlando yesterday. I was angry and disgusted with myself because I was completely lost in my Statistics lab and will be lucky if I score over a 50%. Not only the lab had me down, but my entire "performance" in school this semester. I try to summon the will to complete my homework and study, but I simply cannot, and when I do, I can't maintain my focus. Yet, somehow, I am passing my classes, but it will not last, and I simply cannot afford (both financially and academically) to fail.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so fucking miserable? Everything feels as thought it's on the verge of falling apart. Like I'm one piece of bad luck away from crumbling. I have been living like this for far, far too long. What I once equated to laziness and apathy have given way to anger and revulsion. The life I'm living is shit and I must find my way out.

Things should be easy right now. I am a full time student with school completely paid for. I don't have a job, so I have the time to devote to school. Instead, I piss away my days behind a computer. I cannot remember the last time I found joy in anything. Masturbation has lost its fun. Even sex is just another chore -- most of the time I don't even cum and instead just fake it.

Things always feel on edge with L; as if we're on the verge of extinguishing this budding relationship. We are both bad at communication, but I don't let anybody in, so that makes things worse. All my life, I have avoided real intimacy with everyone: my parents, family, friends, spouses, and lovers. I hide from life (an "avoidant personality with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and risk avoidance") and shelter myself from anything real and good.

I finally have a follow-up VA appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday morning. After having my initial appointment with her back on 3Aug, and being prescribed Celexa (which seems to have done nothing), I can further explain my issues to her and hope for something progressive. The counseling session she told me that she had setup never materialized so instead of fighting my depression with the one-two punch of medication and counseling, I was "battling" it with a drug and losing.

Yet, I keep fighting... It would be so easy to give up. I want to wake up excited about the day ahead. To have something worth living for. I am so tired of having my potential squandered in a sea of self-wallowing and self-loathing. My life should be so much more, but for as long as I can remember, I've been at a crossroads and I've been unwilling/unable to choose the right path. All I know for sure is that this is unsustainable. I must find the will within myself to improve my life, or I will become old and miserable (if I can even make it that far). There simply must be a way out of this hole.

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
~ Charles Bukowski

The Daily Show: Parks and Demonstration

2011-10-06T09:40:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Fantastically articulate Occupy Wall Street interview...

2011-10-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

The New York Observer: Occupy Wall Street Activist Slams Fox News Producer In Un-Aired Interview [Video]

Episodic...

2011-09-27T14:24:00.008-04:00

I have had it with these bouts of depression! I'll feel normal (at least my normal) for a time and then it hits me. It's been with me for over a week now. I'm not applying myself in my homework -- I'm finishing it, but always at the last minute. Studying has been nonexistent. I am wide awake after about 6 hours of sleep. All I spend my days doing is surfing the Internet.

My relationship with L is touch and go. Something just doesn't feel right. Maybe she feels it too, and doesn't want to get too close and then get hurt. We're okay for a few days, and then I'll do/say something that stresses her out, and we're on the fence again. We talked a bit last night before the conversation moved to a family dinner.

I have family in town tonight at my grandmother's and we were invited for dinner tonight. L was supposed to grab dinner with me there before work tonight, but she cancelled last night because her mother wanted to hang out with her. (Her mom is dealing with thyroid cancer and her parents are moving back up north soon, so she's trying to spend as much time with them as possible.) I was bummed and maybe I showed it a little too much, so the conversation ended with us on pins and needles.

Shortly after, I received this text:

"You know what I've decided?! No more talking to you before I go to bed - you stress me OUT! :) OK Getting in the shower. Have a good day tomorrow."

This morning, I this exchange took place:

L: "We were invited to dinner at my parents on Sunday. Keep it in mind if we're still talking then."

I replied, "Dinner sounds good. And I'll do my best not to stress you out before then."

L: "I don't think you can, so I just plan on avoiding you until Sunday morning. Safer that way."

This just seems like too much work and a stressor that I don't need right now. I really do like her and I would like to see where this relationship goes, but ever since our "talk" last week, things have been iffy. I'm just so bad at relationships, and I haven't been in one in about a year, so maybe this is the time to learn how to have an adult one? I just don't know... Maybe the best thing to do is walk away?

I am certain most or all of this can be blamed on my current disposition. The SSRI Celexa I received back on August 3rd still doesn't seem to be doing anything. I have a follow-up appointment with the VA psychiatrist next month, but I still haven't been scheduled for a session(s) with a counselor.

I just wish I could find the will/strength to pull my head out of my ass and get motivated! This is no way to live my life, but I just cannot seem to find another path. The days of my life are passing my by, and just can't find it within myself to care. Nothing seems to matter..

And she's running as the Democratic Senate candidate in Massachusets...

2011-09-22T22:27:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Elizabeth Warren Pt. 1

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Elizabeth Warren Pt. 2

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Recouped // Delayed gratification...

2011-09-19T23:59:00.006-04:00

Last Wednesday afternoon, I received my official decision package from the VA regarding my disability claim. After skimming the letter, I noticed a table with a subheading of 'Amount Withheld' and the dollar amount of my disability listed, followed by a section titled 'Original Award/Recoupment of Separation Pay Begins'. As I only skimmed the letter initially, it appeared as though the government was withholding my disability pay until November, and then I would receive my first payment in December. I found this to be strange, but thought it had something to do with taxes or some-such obscurity.

Later that afternoon, I sat down and took a closer look at the package. To my shock, I wasn't to receive my first payment this December. No... My first disability payment would not arrive until December...of...2018!

When the Air Force separated me about six months early last year, they gave me a sizable amount of separation pay (before the government took their 28%). If I rejoined the military, in a Guard/Reserve fashion, then I would have to pay back the separation pay prior to receiving any retirement pay. Since I had/have no plans of pursing that course, I took the money and didn't give the repercussions a second thought.

Unbeknownst to me (and others I spoke with), there has been a prohibition on dual pay (a concurrent receipt of two types of payment for the same period of service) in the law books since 1956. It typically means VA compensation is withheld until the government has recouped an amount equal to the net separation pay. This is to avoid what the law considers double compensation for the same service. So, while I won't be required to return the separation pay, my VA disability compensation won't start until net separation pay is fully recouped.

Per Title 10 United States Code, Section 1174(h)(2):

Coordination With Retired or Retainer Pay and Disability Compensation.—

(2) A member who has received separation pay under this section, or severance pay or readjustment pay under any other provision of law, based on service in the armed forces shall not be deprived, by reason of his receipt of such separation pay, severance pay, or readjustment pay, of any disability compensation to which he is entitled under the laws administered by the Department of Veterans Affairs, but there shall be deducted from that disability compensation an amount equal to the total amount of separation pay, severance pay, and readjustment pay received, less the amount of Federal income tax withheld from such pay (such withholding being at the flat withholding rate for Federal income tax withholding, as in effect pursuant to regulations prescribed under chapter 24 of the Internal Revenue Code of 1986). Notwithstanding the preceding sentence, no deduction may be made from disability compensation for the amount of any separation pay, severance pay, or readjustment pay received because of an earlier discharge or release from a period of active duty if the disability which is the basis for that disability compensation was incurred or aggravated during a later period of active duty.

While this hardly seems fair -- separation pay should be categorized differently from disability pay, at least I know that I'll be getting something...beginning in December 2018 (if the country as we know it makes it until then).

"Grow your own dope. Plant a man" ~Loretta Griffin

2011-09-17T17:27:00.008-04:00

I had, last night, what I shall graciously call, a lapse in judgment...

On Wednesday, as I was nearing my commute home from school, I receive a text from L stating that she was done with court for the day. Earlier that day, I had suggested that we meet of for coffee if time permitted, which I now suggested we do so since we had time. We met at the shopping center close us, and chatted for a bit. I found out that she had only slept about 2 hours the night before, and she was probably going home for a nap after coffee prior to starting her shift at 7PM. I suggested that we go to my place, where I could cook her a late lunch and she could crash until she had to leave for work. We ended up eating and then she laid down, and inevitably the nap never happened, and the clothes that she changed into ended up tossed on the floor in the heat of passion. Among them was her favorite pair of jeans that she would end up leaving on the floor as she hurriedly dressed for work.

My parents had invited my daughter and me over to my grandmother's for dinner last night. I invited L to stop by on her lunch break; she declined (didn't want to "cut into time with my daughter"), but asked if we could meet after dinner and I could deliver her pants, as she had planned to wear them when we went out tonight.

After leaving my grandmother's, I texted and called her and didn't receive a response from either. As her precinct about five minutes out of the way, I thought to myself, "I'll just surprise her and drop off her pants at the precinct for her." Then, she can just pick them up when she stops back in. And that is why the say hindsight is 20/20.

After a quick drive, I arrived at the precinct and ran in with the pants (concealed in a plastic grocery bag). Finding no officer at the duty desk, I came back out and saw a deputy outside. I walked up to him and asked if he knew if L would be back to the precinct during her shift. He replied that he didn't know. And then I made a tactical mistake...

Since he knew her, I asked if he could take the pants and just give them to her. He smirked, took them, and said that he'd message her and let her know that he had them. I thanked him and walked away and then thought twice about it. As I got into my truck and pulled away, L called me and I told her what I'd done.

She said, "WHAT?!? Please tell me that you're kidding me!"

I replied that I wasn't and L quickly informed me of the ways I screwed up.

"Do you know how hard it is being a female in the sheriff's department? Do you know how hard it is being the only female on shift? I try my best to keep my personal life separate from this place. I am going to catch so much shit for this, and not just tonight, but for a long, long time!"

As my heart and stomach began to sink, she received her first message. This was from the guy I gave her pants to informing her that some guy just dropped off her pants. Since these messages go to everyone in her squad, she proceeded to get two more texts inquiring if he "dropped of panties" and other type of explicit messages. With that, she said that she had to go, and that she'd call me later.

By that point, I felt like absolute shit and my daughter asked what was wrong. I told her it was nothing, and texted L the following message:

"I am so fucking sorry. I feel like a huge idiot! I totally understand why you're upset."

I didn't receive a response from her and never got a call last night. We are supposed to see Contagion around 9PM after she gets done with dinner with friend's. I'm not sure if that's still the plan as I haven't heard a word from her today.

Talking with my buddy's last night and today, they basically told me what I already knew. After having a hearty laugh, the all said that it was indeed a stupid thing to do, and that serving in the military for so long, I should've known better. In order to deal with the stress and maintain camaraderie, we give each other constant shit through our days serving in the military, and they girl's catch as much, if not more, than the guys. With L being a cop, I'm sure they are no different.

Yup, not the smoothest move I made in a relationship...

Update #1 9/17/2011 @ 7:35 PM

Text from L: "Hi. Did you look into movie times?"

I replied, "Did you still want to go? I wasn't sure if you...strongly dislike me for my foolishness."

L replied, "Definitely NOT happy... And the LT. warned me to be careful in reference to "dudes dropping my pants off at the precinct" as it can easily lead to an IA investigation.... But, I assured her that it would NEVER happen again. And the panty jokes won't get old for a LONG time....so thank you for that. ....All that aside, which movie theater?"

I replied, "**** Theater. Trust me. That sort of thing will never happen again!"

L: "That's good b/c I'll be out of your life permanently it if did. Want to meet there at 9:15?"

Okay, while do feel extremely bad for the grief I caused (and will continue to cause) her, I do not like threats/ultimatums. Yeah, I'm not an asshole, so you don't need to threaten me. Dammit! Relationships are a pain in the ass!

Update #2 9/19/2011 @ 11:29 PM

L and I had a long talk after the slightly above average movie. She wanted some reassurances that I hadn't made clear -- not marriage, but wanting to know if I was in the relationship in a serious way that might lead somewhere. Ultimately, we both agreed that we are horrible at communication and that we'd work at it. Then, we spent most of Sunday having sex. Good times...

Rifts...

2011-09-14T09:39:00.004-04:00

L and I have been dating for little over a month now, and I was under the impression that things were progressing well. We had spent the majority of the long Labor Day weekend together. She had met my parent's and I was invited to dinner at her parent's home last Saturday. It felt very natural and casual, and I felt confident about the status of our relationship.

On Monday night, L went out for drinks with a few of her girlfriend's. I called her yesterday and we chatted for a bit. Shortly after the conversation ended, the following texts were exchanged:

L: "So I have to ask you a question, and I wasn't going to, but... Do you think things are going well between us?"

I replied, "I'd like to think so. It feels like they are. Do you think so?"

L: "'You'd like to think so'.... I guess so as well then."

I replied, "I do feel that "spark" with you. I enjoy our time together. Am I taking it too slow?"

L: "Not a matter of 'too slow'. We just don't "talk" and I don't like not knowing where we, I, stand. I know I have a lot of problems w/ relationships, and I keep that in mind daily, but I guess after last night, I finally realized that we don't even know if we're looking for the same things...b/c we don't talk!"

I replied, "Well, let's talk!"

L: "Someday soon I suppose would be good. No point in going any further if we know it won't end well."

I replied, "I suck at communication too. Working on it! We will talk this week. And I was under the impression that you were with me just for sex... And I use humor to hide uncomfortable situations. ;-)"

L: "I use avoidance. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach this "talk" will be painful. (I'm always the optimist) Have a good week!"

I called her after that text, but I wasn't able to reach her. About an hour later, I received this text:

"Went for a run. It's hot out. Nevermind on talking. Slower's better anyway."

I have tried to be open and honest with her -- she knows that I've been married twice and she has briefly met my daughter. Right now, I really don't know what I'm looking for. I'm in the middle of my college "career" and I do not know exactly what the future will bring me (or this country for that matter). I do enjoy L's company and I could see the relationship evolving into something deeper and more meaningful, but right now, I cannot make any serious plans. I'm a full time college student without a full time job (or career), so how can anything be concrete right now?

While I freely admit that I do have communication issues, it does feel as if it's too early to have a serious talk about what we're looking for and our future together. Having talked to my future cousin (who set us up) and L, I know that L has some serious trust issues. She has been married before and it didn't end well, and she has had some serious relationship issues in the past (e.g., discovered that a man she had been seeing for some time was married. She is also worried about our conflicting schedules -- she is a sheriff's deputy who works nights. And she is 37 and doesn't have any children, so perhaps she's looking for a relationship with the potential for marriage and children. I am not opposed to that (in the future), but it just seems too early for such seriousness. I think she just does not want to invest too much a relationship that might end with nothing to show for it.

I'm a disabled vet?

2011-09-13T10:13:00.002-04:00

With my final VA C&P (Compensation & Pension) exam completed on July 19, I have been awaiting a final decision regarding the disability claim I made when I separated from the Air Force last year. The VA has a website called eBenefits that provides a "central access point to online benefits and related services." As of September 1, it showed that my claim was closed, but I had yet to receive a letter showing a final decision. The VA is notoriously, and to an extent, understandably slow when it comes to handling veterans and their needs. While 9/11 and the ensuing wars may have brought a greater attention to the military, it also added tens of thousands of veterans to a system that is slow to catch up.

Since I was unable to get a good status on the eBenefits website last week, I gave a call VA call center. Of course, this took many calls before I was able to get through and finally speak with an extremely friendly and helpful agent. He informed me that the VA had reached a decision, and that he would mail out the 5-page decision letter immediately, which I received last night. It showed a combined evaluation of 20% -- 10% for my back (thoracic nonallopathic lesion and degenerative disc disease) and 10% for my dysthymia -- which equals about $240 month in disability pay. This, while anticipated, was not expected as I thought that I'd have to file an appeal believing I would be denied my claim. This was certainly welcome news and I am certainly fortunate to receive anything extra for my service.

ESPN OTL: Man in the Red Bandanna

2011-09-09T14:26:00.000-04:00

"Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They're just braver five minutes longer." ~Ronald Reagan

2011-09-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

Washington Monthly: WHEN THE RIGHT PEOPLE PICK THE WRONG HERO....

Slate: REAGAN'S RECORD

Slate: REAGAN'S RECORD II (Cold War Record)"

The New York Times: "Republicans Against Science"

2011-08-31T11:07:00.001-04:00

"...one of these years the world's greatest nation will find itself ruled by a party that is aggressively anti-science, indeed anti-knowledge. And, in a time of severe challenges — environmental, economic, and more — that’s a terrifying prospect."

Flip-flopping and other educational stressors...

2011-08-26T15:09:00.008-04:00

After bouncing around degrees for these past few months (or, rather, years), I decided on Information Technology (IT) before ultimately selecting Political Science. Perhaps it's a foolish choice based on the current economy, but Poly Sci is more aligned with my interests and passions (as is evident by my frequent political postings here). In addition, as I am a veteran, I'll receive a "Veterans Preference," which gives special consideration to eligible veterans looking for federal employment. I still plan to minor in Urban and Region Planning, which should give me a solid foundation for a Masters in Urban Planning. Fortunately, I'll have a few months of GI Bill benefits left over should I still choose to pursue my Masters. With the free money, I'd be a fool not to.

However, the dilemma I hadn't anticipated is how to pay for this. Since I transferred over to UCF this fall, my financial aid was selected for a process called "verification." UCF will be comparing information from my FAFSA application with signed copies of my 2010 Federal tax and W-2 form. As long as everything jives, which it should, my financial aid funds will be released. Unfortunately, this verification process takes from 8 to 12 weeks to complete. Further, since I transferred colleges, the certifying official in the VA office at UCF has to submit my enrollment information, which is then entered into the system by VA. Since the VA is generally overwhelmed with enrollments at the start of each semester, it could take up to 6 weeks to process my enrollment. This means I do not receive my housing allowance, book stipend, or Pell Grants for at least a month. Therefore, I'll be living off of my meager savings, a credit card, and unemployment. Things have a way of working out, so I'm hoping this ordeal is no different.

To add to my worries is the fact that I have to drive an hour to Orlando three days a week to attend class (the length of which is less than an hour). With the selection of the Political Science degree, the regional campus in town has all the required classes available here. This means I would not have to drive to Orlando to attend college (expect for the Planning minor -- the classes are only offered in Orlando). However, since I took summer courses, my final transcript wasn't ready until two weeks before the start of the UCF fall semester. Therefore, by the time UCF received my transcript and accepted my application, I had to wait until the Friday before the start of classes to enroll (one the mandatory orientation was accomplished). Therefore, like the 800 or so other transfer students, I got last choice in the selection of available fall classes. So, we took what we could and I suppose that I'm lucky to have a full class load. Fortunately, my father has offered to exchange his truck with mine on the days I have the Orlando class since he is still unemployed and his truck gets significantly better gas mileage.

Don't get me wrong... I am grateful for these benefits I earned by serving my country. I just wish they were a bit more reliable when it comes to awarding them.

Another brilliant Colbert clip...

2011-08-12T16:13:00.000-04:00

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

Plan B (or C) and other stuff...

2011-08-11T15:29:00.002-04:00

It looks like Architecture will not be the degree I pursue, and to be honest, I'm not really that upset. After continuing to drag its feet for weeks, the college still has me classified as a freshman even though I'm transferring in with an AA. Having attended a few colleges while I was in the Air Force makes enrolling in a new college a bit more challenging (and expensive). Therefore, since I'm not totally "accepted" at the college, I am still unable to signup for classes. Further, since the beginning of the fall semester is only 2 weeks away, all the classes I need are full. So, I'm bailing on the college and on the degree plan.

I am actually at peace with this series of events. Having just completed my AA, I was not looking forward to getting another AA in order to have the prerequisites to begin my Bachelors of Design in Architecture. I only have 36 months of GI Bill benefits (with about 28 months remaining), I would've run out of funds halfway through my bachelors degree. I would prefer to look for money for a master’s degree, not taking out loans/grants/scholarships just to complete my bachelors.

Further, I don't feel as though architecture was truly my "calling". While it does interest me, I don't feel as though I have the eye for design that it would take to be truly successful. Before I began classes this spring, I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality questionnaire along with a career assessment. Based on having an INFJ personality type, the highest career interest level indicated was a City Planning Aide. This career is related to Urban and Regional Planning, which is more closely aligned with my interests. Also, U.S. News & World Report ranked Urban Regional Planner as one of the Best Careers of 2009.

Fortunately, UCF in Orlando offers degrees in Urban and Regional Planning. Unfortunately, one is an undergraduate minor and one is a masters. Therefore, I have to choose an undergraduate major. Also, the UCF graduate program is currently not accredited by the Planning Accreditation Board (PAB) -- only the graduate programs at UF and FSU are accredited. So, unless UCF gains accreditation in the next 2 years, I may have to relocate to Gainesville at work towards my Masters there. However, before all that nonsense, I need to choose a major... and fast.

In other news, my friend (and probable future cousin) set me up with a coworker of hers. We met for drinks Tuesday night, and feel we both had a really good time. She's a cute, blonde, 37 year old Sheriff's Deputy who works part-time with my (future) cousin. We ended up meeting at Starbucks for coffee yesterday afternoon, and we're tentatively scheduled to hit the beach this afternoon (provided the weather holds up). Even though we've hung out for several consecutive days now, I'm trying to take it slow. She works nights and most weekends, and I have a full class load for the next few years, so I don't exactly know if either of us will have time for a relationship.

Then, there is the issue with the MILF. Her sister, whom I've known since I was 16, invites me over for dinner at least weekly. While she's always had me over for dinner, the pace has increased greatly since her sister and I began sexual relationship. At the same time, the "relationship" is fairly easy and uncomplicated. I just know that if things with the cop begin to escalade, then I'll have to put an end to the sexual relationship with the MILF. Moreover, I know that may tarnish long relationship I have with her sister. All I know is that when it ends, it won't end well.

The New York Times: "What Happened to Obama?"

2011-08-09T10:17:00.001-04:00

"The stories our leaders tell us matter, probably almost as much as the stories our parents tell us as children, because they orient us to what is, what could be, and what should be; to the worldviews they hold and to the values they hold sacred."

Drew Westen: What Happened to Obama?

Our "esteemed" and probable one-term governor...

2011-08-07T09:10:00.001-04:00

"According to a survey commissioned by the conservative website Sunshine State News, Gov. Rick Scott sits with a 27 percent approval rating, with 58 percent disapproving of the job he's doing."

"The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning" ~Smashing Pumpkins

2011-08-03T16:51:00.007-04:00

I had my first meeting with the VA psychiatrist this morning. It was basically an interview-type meeting; a question and answer session. I told her of my difficulty sleeping (symptomatic of depression) and my long history of feeling down. Since it was only an initial appointment, she offered no advice and only recommended a course of treatment: medication and counseling.

I agreed to both, so she prescribed an SSRI called Celexa and set me up for an appointment with a counselor in about six weeks. She wants to give adequate time for the drug to take affect. Also, the counselor with whom I have the upcoming session(s) is the doctor who completed my C&P exam a few weeks back. I did enjoy my time with him, and I'm looking forward to our next session together. In a way, I am thankful that I will not be seeing the doctor I saw this morning. I do not believe that she does counseling at the VA, but I found her to be a bit too "clinical." In any event, I am hopeful that this begins a journey to a happier me.

I am still dealing with getting enrolled in college that offers the architecture program that I need. The college is waiting on official transcripts from a college I attended a few years ago. Then, once they are approved, I'll be able to enroll in classes. Unfortunately, the classes I need are not available (I assume they're full), but the college administrator I spoke with on the phone assures me that they will be available. Classes begin on 29Aug, so she had better be right.

As a precaution, I'm completing my application to UCF, so at least I'll be able to attend there. The only drawback is that I cannot get into the Architecture program until I complete my prerequisites (and the Architecture A.A.) at the other college. Therefore, I'd have to enroll in another program, which is not what I want to do. I'm not sure what I would do with an Anthropology or some other type degree. They damn sure don't pay shit.

I've also given serious consideration to purchasing an old used car. My truck is still in good shape, but the gas mileage is horrible (about 16 MPG), and the drive to Orlando I'll have to make a few times a week will break my budget. Further, I cannot move closer to the college until my lease is up in December. So, hopefully I can find something for a few thousand dollars that will get over 25 MPG and not break down on the commute.

Finally, once I get the school dilemma sorted out, I'm most likely going to get a part time job. Living off Unemployment Insurance has been nice, but I never really felt comfortable taking the money. I suppose in a way I earned it, but it just doesn't seem fair that I am not working even though I am physically able. Others are able to work and attend school, so what can't I? Also, since I'm supposed to be actively looking for FULL TIME work (as of 1Aug, I have to document 5 searches per week), and to the best of my knowledge, I am not allowed to attend school full time as it will interfere with my ability to gain employment. I would hate to get "caught" and suddenly lose my benefits or have to pay them back (thousands of dollars). I don't like the idea of working in retail, but I think a job at GNC might be right up my alley.

Grave and costly mistakes...

2011-08-01T11:06:00.002-04:00

CNN: David Frum - 'Wake up GOP: Smashing system doesn't fix it'

The New York Times: Dr. Paul Krugman - 'The President Surrenders'

The Disposable Heroes of "Hypocrisy"...*

2011-07-30T11:44:00.001-04:00

*Name borrowed from the early '90s Michael Franti hip-hop band.

The end of days...

2011-07-27T10:26:00.023-04:00

On Monday evening, I received my graded research paper from my Comm II class for which I received an A-. The paper investigated the United States' dependence on oil and the dismal future we face because of it. Before beginning my research for this paper, I knew very little of the global reliance on oil and really nothing about its inevitable depletion. Now, it's never far from my thoughts. I uploaded the file to Dropbox for anyone interested. Here is the link: Research Paper

According to a theory proposed back in 1956 by geophysicist M. King Hubbert, the U.S. oil production would peak in or about 1970. This prediction was initially scoffed at, but was unfortunately proven to be an accurate prediction in 1971.

Source: Energy and Power, A Scientific American Book (1971), Pg. 39

This doesn't mean that we decided to slow our production and import more oil. This means that we reached our maximum production of oil in 1970, and we are slowly running out of domestic oil. This isn't only a U.S. problem, but will become a global issue as the oil slowly disappears. In my research, I've found a few who say there is only 40 years' worth of oil left in the world, and that the world's oil peak happened in 2005 and we are on the downhill slope.

Unfortunately, very little attention is being paid to the impeding crisis. To make matters worse, media outlets such as Fox News fight every environmental/conservation/"green" initiative our government attempts to implement (just look at the CFL bulbs) as a "socialist" agenda. The world as our parent's knew it is ending. With exponential population growth, a greater amount of people will be clamoring for a fewer amount of resources. This push toward globalization will ebb. The American addiction of "consumerism" will be killed. There will be a move toward "ruralisation" and an acceleration of salvaging and recycling. Finally, there will be a global depopulation as our current population levels are unsustainable.

We as a Nation could begin our transition away from oil and onto other energy supplies (renewables) to, hopefully, to something less polluting than coal or natural gas. This country should be doing this now, but instead we’re fighting a pointless battle about raising the debt ceiling. I'd like to think that we can rally around the cause of a new energy movement, but I doubt we will do anything substantial before the crisis hits. If it does not involve the Kardashian's or American Idol or Jersey Shore or the latest Apple product, then the people of this nation just don't give a damn. Without a major technological breakthrough, there is no way to sugarcoat it: We are basically fucked.

Peak oil - are we sleepwalking into disaster?

The Oil Drum: Discussions about Energy and Our Future

"The End of Growth: Adapting to Our New Economic Reality" - Richard Heinberg

Discouraged...

2011-07-26T14:06:00.000-04:00

The NY Times: The Travails of Ms. Warren

We've come so far, and yet...

2011-07-25T21:20:00.000-04:00

Arkansas High School Appoints Co-Valedictorian Because Top Student Was African American

The Rachel Maddow Show: Economist Robert Frank - Spending Problem, but not the GOP version

2011-07-22T15:09:00.000-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The stripping away of updated benefits has begun...

2011-07-21T18:42:00.000-04:00

S.3447 GI Bill Reform = GI Bill Cuts

"It's not because they have breasts. It's because they are boobs."

2011-07-20T09:32:00.000-04:00

Not my favorite Bill Maher clip, but he makes a few valid observations.

More tests... Part II

2011-07-18T00:43:00.001-04:00

Last Wednesday, I had my annual health screening at the local VA clinic. It went quite well, other than the surprise tetanus shot of which I was due. The best part of the appointment was that I was finally able to schedule an appointment with mental health for 3 Aug. Tomorrow is what I hope to be my final Compensation and Pension (C&P) appointment with the VA. However, this appointment is only to discuss the results of my MMPI-2 test I took a few weeks ago. I truly hope this appointment with mental health is the beginning of a fruitful journey into a better and happier life.

It is really wonderful to be given free or relatively inexpensive lifetime healthcare simply for my military service. I suppose us veteran's have the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq to thank for the improved coverage and care. :-/

Charles Bukowski // "Cause and Effect"

2011-07-15T12:15:00.002-04:00

An enlightening article and interview...

2011-07-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

The Washington Post: Want to avoid another Depression? Try understanding the first one.

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives." ~Jackie Robinson

2011-07-12T11:59:00.003-04:00

Current TV: Countdown with Keith Olbermann - Monday, July 11, 2011

Don't Cut Care, Mr. President (Pt.1)

Don't Cut Care, Mr. President (Pt.2)

Chart: The do-nothing Congress...

2011-07-08T15:57:00.002-04:00

Click to zoom

Source: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's office.

Goodbye, Blogger... Hello Google

2011-07-06T13:46:00.000-04:00

Mashable: Google To Retire Blogger & Picasa Brands in Google+ Push

So very tired of this...

2011-07-05T12:37:00.002-04:00

Woe is me and all that shit. I know that I'm never going to be able to "snap out of" this funk, but when can I begin to rise above it? When, if ever, will I find peace and contentment? When will I figure out the purpose of my life and what it is I want out of it? I have long grown weary of this limbo.

Jo's sister, the "MILF" (until I can think of a more endearing term), came over Saturday night. The sex was good and, without sounding overly cocky, she was full of compliments. After she left on Sunday, I went over to Jo's house to hang with the family. Apparently, I ate something that I didn't agree with me, and I was up most of the night on Sunday feeling nauseous. Therefore, I woke up late yesterday, and spent the day surfing the Internet.

I was supposed to go to dinner with the family at my grandmother's, but I just wasn't feeling up to it. Then, Jo, her family, and the MILF texted me and asked me to come over. I didn't. They asked me to go watch the fireworks show by the river. I did not.

I pissed away my day doing nothing. Homework was started late in the afternoon.

I am just really disgusted with myself. I cannot find peace.

A Marine's funeral at Arlington...

2011-07-04T11:57:00.001-04:00

A powerful gallery.

Team Coco: Conan Drives a Bunch of Staff Members to Work and Gets Horrible Road Rage

2011-07-01T10:18:00.001-04:00

More tests...

2011-06-29T16:15:00.006-04:00

As part of my application for veteran's disability compensation, I had my third Compensation & Pension (C&P) examination today. These C&P exams are designed to determine (1) if you still have a disability that may have started in the service, (2) is the current disability a result of the military service, and (3) to determine the severity of the disability. The rating specialist them takes the exam report and uses the following criteria to determine the proper rating percentage and the amount of money you receive.

The first two exams involved a muscular injury in my back and some possible hearing loss from working around jet engines for nearly 10 years. This exam was the one I was looking forward to: the psychological evaluation. I'd thought that I would be meeting with a psychologist today, but that turned out not to be the case. Instead, I completed a 567 true/false question personality test called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 (MMPI-2). Next, I have a follow-up appointment with the psychologist on ~~12 July~~ 19 July (rescheduled) to discuss the results and receive further information on disability claim.

The test was 5th grade reading level questions, so I was able to get through most of the test in about 45 minutes. Unfortunately, with about 20 questions to go, the computer crashed. I thought all was lost, as did the technician in the room; however, she managed to find a backup on her computer. The computer crash also brought her boss into the room, who happens to be the psychologist that I meet with next month. She was extremely attractive, British, and officious, so at least I have a vague idea of who it is that I'll be meeting with next month.

Since these are C&P appointments, I'm still waiting for an appointment to actually talk with a counselor. Hopefully, come ~~12 July~~ 19 July, the doctor will be able to schedule a time for this. I feel as though I've waited long enough, but I know it's best to have patience when dealing with the government.

Rachel Maddow: "...'shameless, craven, unprincipled partisan hackery.'"

2011-06-29T11:14:00.001-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Outsourced...

2011-06-28T17:15:00.000-04:00

"Capitalism attacks and destroys all the finer sentiments of the human heart; it ruthlessly sweeps away old traditions and ideas opposed to its progress, and it exploits and corrupts those things once held sacred."
~ Daniel De Leon

After Taking A $10 Billion Bailout, Goldman Sachs Announces It Will Outsource 1,000 Jobs To Singapore

Went with my gut...

2011-06-26T10:40:00.002-04:00

Sex with the MILF went down last night/this morning. It was fun and definitely long overdue. She was rather quiet, but I suppose that may be due to it being our first time together. I dusted off a few my old moves, so I'm fairly certain I still got it. Having been called a "stud" this morning, and just receiving a text that said I was "amazing" certainly boosts the ego. I need all the help I can get, since I only got an hour's worth of sleep last night, and I have to finish the second draft of my research paper today.

Mother Jones: Overworked America

2011-06-26T09:49:00.004-04:00

Why "efficiency" and "productivity" really mean more profits for corporations and less sanity for you.

Overworked America: 12 Charts that Will Make Your Blood Boil

Transient...

2011-06-24T11:42:00.005-04:00

I visited the college before class on Wednesday, and when I was finally able to speak with someone competent, she put my mind as ease...

My first stop was to the VA and admissions office's here at the UCF regional campus. Both offices's provided no help, as their only advice was to call the VA's G.I. Bill hotline and admissions at UCF. So, I headed over to the advisor at my campus to inquire about dropping my Precalculus class.

Lucky for me, she was the most competent advisor I'd encountered yet in my brief time at the college. She had retired Air Force after a career in military education, so she was not only experienced at her job, but could empathize with a fellow veteran. Not only did she help me to withdraw from my class, but she also had me enroll in World Religions (which starts Tuesday night). She also assisted me in filling out my graduation application, as well as providing me with information for applying (in person) for UCF when they visit a local campus on Monday.

With Comm II and World Religions completed, I can graduate with my AA this summer. Then, it's on to UCF in the fall! This is great news considering I was under the impression that I would have to continue working on my prerequisites for the Comp Science or Architecture programs at UCF prior to transferring there. However, whichever program I choose to enter, I'll be able to take many of the classes here as a transient student. Hopefully, on Monday, once I'm able to speak with UCF admissions, and actually apply to the university, I'll be able to get a solid game plan for the fall.

For now, my only worry is the ability to keep myself enrolled as a fulltime student. Anything less is less money in my account for rent and bills. I am keeping a positive attitude considering everything has worked out so well thus far. In the meantime, I am feeling excited for school. Considering that I've been slowly chipping away at this AA degree since 1997, this small step feels good knowing I'm on to my next degree, and with any luck, bigger and better things.

NY Times: Inside the Accountants' Playbook

2011-06-23T20:44:00.000-04:00

Background on four strategies that American companies use to reduce their taxes.

Transitioning...

2011-06-22T11:33:00.005-04:00

I'm headed to the local college today to drop my Precalculus/Trigonometry class, and to inquire about transferring to UCF in the spring). I really do not want to drop my Precalc class (besides the money I'll have to pay back), but it is just too much to tackle in this truncated summer term. Considering that I haven't had College Algebra since 2008, I spent the first week at the college Math Lab trying to remember the algebraic basics. I'm keeping the (expensive) book, as I plan to take the class again in the fall. Hopefully, with a standard length semester, I'll be able to juggle it a bit better.

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I'm interested in the Architecture program offered at UCF. Understandably, there are a few prerequisite classes I'd have to complete first:

1. ARC 1201: Theory of Architecture
2. ARC 1701: Architectural History I
3. ARC 2702: Architectural History II
4. ARC 1301: Architectural Design I
5. ARC 1302: Architectural Design II
6. ARC 2303: Architectural Design III
7. ARC 2304: Architectural Design IV
8. ARC 2461: Materials and Methods of Construction I
9. ARC 2180: Introduction to Digital Architecture; AND
10. PHY 1053C OR PHY 2053C: Introductory College Physics or higher level physics course.

Unfortunately, none of these classes (with the exception of Physics) is offered at the local college. Therefore, I'll either have to transfer to Valencia Community College (where the program exists), or complete my AA my current college, and then start the Architecture AA at Valencia. That option sucks (for lack of a better term) because that uses up more of my G.I. Bill money that could go towards my Master's degree. In a way, it almost would have been better had I not transferred my credits from the Air Force, and started from scratch with my AA. With any luck, I can find a few competent advisors' today to steer me in the right direction.

Valid points abound...

2011-06-21T19:46:00.001-04:00

Choosing a path...

2011-06-21T14:52:00.018-04:00

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
~ George Bernard Shaw

My father's recent and unfortunate unemployment has really got me thinking about my own future. Unfortunately, these thoughts are fully embedded in my subconscious, and have caused my sleep to become affected. Not the best thing when I'm up for my Precalculus class at 7a.m. and I'm tossing and turning sometime around 5a.m. Add to it the fact that my financial aid (not my G.I. Bill) will not be approved for the summer semester, as Precalc isn't part of my degree plan (the AA I'm working towards, then transferring to get BS).

Before I began attending college fulltime this past January, I visited the college's Career Center to complete their personality/interest profile. Here are the results (although it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know):

Investigative
> You are a "Thinker".
> You enjoy observing, learning, evaluating.
> You like the challenge of thinking through problems.
> You prefer working on your own.
> You often use science and math in problem solving.
> You may describe yourself as inventive and original.

Conventional
> You are an "Organizer".
> You enjoy systematic, step-by-step work tasks.
> You like to keep things neat and in order.
> You prefer working in stable environments with predictable routines.
> You are detail-oriented and persistent.
> You may describe yourself as efficient or dependable.

Of course, the careers it recommended involved computer science and engineering. Engineering holds little interest to me, so I chose computer science as my major. Of course, this involves nearly as much math as the Engineering degree -- Calculus w/ Analytic Geometry I and II , Differential Equations, Physics, etc. Not exactly my cup of tea, but future jobs in the country will require a technical degree.

After somehow passing my C++ programming class, I began thinking that maybe Computer Science wasn't the degree for me. To my surprise, I found that UCF offers a Bachelor of Design in Architecture. I've tentatively begun looking into the program, and hoping that I meet all the prerequisites (which I probably will not). Physics I is one, which I will probably take in the fall.

Finally, I am strongly considering dropping my Precalc class and inevitably taking something else in its place this summer. The workload in that class, combined with the Comm II class, has given my little confidence in my ability of successfully passing Precalc. However, once I drop Precalc, I'll have to pay back the VA the tuition for the class, which will be steep since it is a 5-credit hour class. I guess that I'm lucky in the fact that I have college almost paid for, but it's not exactly on my terms. Considering that I had College Algebra back in 2008, it would have been nice if I were able take it again for a much needed refresher. However, the GI Bill nor financial aid would pay.

I have got to find my purpose in life instead of aimlessly working my way through it. Unfortunately, all of this is tentative and only adds to the stress. It will work out, as it always does, but I keep waiting for the day when it doesn't.

The forbidden dance...

2011-06-18T10:58:00.003-04:00

Started this post last weekend, but school and homework got in the way of finishing it in a timely manner...

First, a little backstory.

There is a friend of mine (Jo) I worked with at my first job back when I was 16. Since my parent's were vegetarians back then, she ended up inviting me over to her house for dinner from time to time. She was/is married with three kids, so as time went on, I got to know all of them well. I've known her kids back when they were 7, 8, and 10 years old, who are all grown now with families of their own, and I am apartment neighbor's with her son and his wife.

Jo's birthday was this month, along with her son's (my neighbor's) wife, and Jo's niece, so there was a grand celebration in Orlando planned for last Friday night -- dinner, drinking, and dancing at Universal CityWalk and a night at the Portofino Bay Hotel. It definitely had potential to be a fun night.

After driving over to Orlando (and paying an adsorbent amount in tolls), we checked into the hotel around 6pm and waited for everyone else to arrive. One of the partygoer's was Jo's sister, K, whom I had never met. It was her daughter's (Jo's niece) birthday, so she was there to enjoy the festivities. She was in her mid-40's and attractive. Her daughter, A, is also attractive as well.

Once all had arrived, we all took the water taxi over to Universal CityWalk. I sat next to Jo's husband for the 10-minute ride, and Jo sat next to K and the remainder of the crew were scattered among the taxi.

Once we were off the boat, Jo (in classic fashion) blurts out, "Hey, Ryan! My sister thinks you're cute and says that you can sleep in her and A's bed tonight!" So, that's the kind of night this was going to be?

I laughed and played it cool and continued to do so for the next few hours, through dinner, the piano bar, and the first club we visited. However, by late night and once all the alcohol kicked it, my resolve was gone. The last club we hit was a return to the Latin Quarter. We ended up dancing together and kept dancing until family pulled us off stage to head back the hotel. As it was a Latin club, the dancing proved to be hot and heavy -- I'd equate it to the dance scene in The Matrix Reloaded. To quote R. Kelly, "We didn't see nothing wrong with a little bump n' grind."

The night ended on a safe note. We arrived back at the hotel and hung outside for a bit before going to our separate rooms to crash. After breakfast with everyone, a few of us spent most of the next day at the pool before heading home early Saturday afternoon.

The night left me a little conflicted (and feeling a little weird). On one hand, she is attractive (if a bit older than me), a health nut and marathon runner, and obviously into me. On the other, she is Jo’s sister and therefore a part of a family to which I am tightly connected. Playing it cool can only last for so long.

News from the front...

2011-06-08T15:51:00.001-04:00

Began the summer semester this Monday with Precalculus/Trigonometry and Comm II. With Precalc being a 5-credit, 8-week summer class, it will certainly be an intense summer. While Precalc meets for two hours every morning, my Comm II class meets only two nights a week. This leaves me all day to complete homework (which I've what I've been doing thus far). Also, I have to write a research paper for Comm II due by the end of the semester. Thinking something along the lines of America's dependence on foreign oil and the future crisis. However, before I get too overwhelmed and weather permitting, I am headed to the beach after class tomorrow morning.

I have received my final grades for the spring semester, and ended up with A's in Humanities, Biology, and Math, and a C in C++ Programming. Obviously, I am not happy about the C in Programming, but I'll happily take it, as I feel lucky to have passed that class.

I truly wish that I could settle on a major. Currently, for GI Bill and college administrative purposes, it is a BS in Computer Science. However, I really don't know if that is where my heart lies. The future job prospects and salary and great, but is it really what I want to do with my life?

I finally have an appointment to talk with a counselor at the VA on 29Jun (with a follow-up on 12Jul), albeit a psychiatric evaluation for a pending VA disability claim. Not sure what this entails, other to ensure I'm not bat shit crazy or suicidal. It's just another step in the process for a typical post-military disability claim. With any luck, after the two appointments are knocked out, I can begin seeing a counselor on a regular basis. Even better, is if he/she can actually help me. I am cautiously excited about the prospects. This stasis I've been for has been going on for too long.

Troubling times...

2011-06-07T18:01:00.002-04:00

Awww, hell...

2011-06-04T22:06:00.011-04:00

As may not be exhibited by my sparse blog as of late (or since I left Texas), my social life here in Florida is severely lacking. I've met a few friends since getting back, but really no "guy friends" to hang out with. Therefore, I'm not out on the scene as much as I maybe should be. Also, thus far, the college life hasn't panned out -- the girls are too young (many are high school'ers doing dual-enrollment), or they're moms heading back to school now that their kid's are out of the house. So, it's been some lonely times here in this apartment (which explains why I'm posting on a Saturday night).

A few months back, I mentioned that I was attempting to learn the guitar. Every now and then, I would sit on the stairs outside my apartment and play. The breeze felt nice and it felt good to just be outside. Plus, it gave me a chance to meet my neighbors since running into one is a rarity.

And there I sat a few months back when I met my new neighbor (who lives next door to me). We exchanged "hello's" a few times until one day, after the friendly exchange, she came back out with her guitar and asked if I had a tuner. I did (on my iPhone of course) and tuned it for her. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes until, whom I believe was her visiting niece, got bored and went back inside. Turns out she is an aerospace engineer who just transferred here from New Mexico to work at NASA. Blonde, attractive, laidback, and a few years younger than me. Needless to say, I was smitten.

We had a few more interactions over these months, but nothing serious. Just a few more "hello's" and brief conversations. Since I'm often here at home, I noticed that she was as well, so I hoped that it was a good sign of her singledom. After weeks of debating whether or not to ask her out (considering she lives right next door to me, and that could lead to issues), I finally decided to go for it this week using a little culinary strategy.

I've made a zucchini bread a few times here, and always get rave reviews, so I figured that I'd offer her some and move from there. So, after helping my dad drywall his laundry room all day yesterday (Friday), I hung around a bit hoping to run into her when she got home. I did and we chatted for a minute, and as she headed inside, I asked if she liked zucchini bread. She replied enthusiastically that she did, so I told her that I was going to make some this weekend as I had some zucchinis that I had to use up. I asked if she'd be around this weekend, to which she replied that she would indeed, so I told her that I'd run some by. So, last night, before we watched the horrible Jack Black version of Gulliver's Travels, my daughter and I baked up two loaves.

After leaving the gym this afternoon, I sliced up a few pieces, wrapped them up, paced and took a few deep breaths, and headed over. She answered the door with a smile, and thanked me for the bread. We talked for a few about the ingredients and about guitar playing (of course). As the conversation began to wind down, I made my move.

"Can I ask you a question? Are you doing anything tonight?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"Well, I could really go for a margarita and I was wondering if you wanted to go?"

Then, the inevitable transpired:

"Ummm. I've got a boyfriend in New Mexico. He has a hard enough time with me being here, and I don't want to do anything to..."

I cut her off and said that I understood. I said that I hesitated in asking her because I didn't want to cross the threshold into the awkward neighbor. She blew it off and said, "No, it's fine.” Then, she said if I ever need help with anything with the guitar, to let her know.

Other than the fact that she has a boyfriend (on the other side of damn the country), the whole episode went well. She didn't seem to be uncomfortable after I posed the question, which didn't cause me to feel awkward. She definitely seems like a cool girl, and it would be nice to get to know her better, but the line has been drawn. I shall have to swoon from a distance. ;-)

He actually did justice to the Jay-Z song...

2011-06-01T10:23:00.003-04:00

Life ain't fair (especially nowadays)...

2011-05-27T21:37:00.000-04:00

Had dinner with my parent's at my grandmother's/aunt's place tonight. Shortly after I arrived, my parent's pulled me into the room with the "we have to tell you something" phrase. My thoughts immediately jumped to worst case: cancer. However, it was not at all what I expected.

My father was laid off from his job yesterday as a drafter/designer at an aerospace engineering firm. They laid off 20% of their workforce, and even though he wasn't part of the "good ol' boys club," he thought his job was safe. Evidently he was wrong, as he is no longer an employee.

What I find the most unfair is the fact the he just bought (refundable) tickets to Italy last weekend. For years, my parent's had talked about taking a trip to Europe. There was always an expense or a financial hindrance that prevented them for going. Hell, we were lower middleclass growing up, so it wasn't even a remote possibility until recently. However, a few members of his side of the family started talking about it last year, and it was set for this October. He planned on surprising my mom with the tickets on Monday.

I only hope that he can find something in this economy. It doesn’t help his case any considering he’s over 60 and resides in Florida. My fear (as I’m sure as it is his as well) is the fact that there are so many others in the same situation.

A white boy with soul...

2011-05-25T22:02:00.000-04:00

Surf's up...

2011-05-25T09:34:00.000-04:00

Finished up the spring semester on May 9th, so I'm on a break until classes resume on June 6th. My buddy C (from Colorado) flew down on the 13th, and we spent a week at the beach and eating/drinking. It was really great hanging out with a great friend, and the week was definitely good for the soul. We managed to squeeze in a surf lesson last Thursday, and I rode my first wave (albeit on a paddleboard which is a big larger than a traditional surfboard). Now, I just need to improve with the long board I bought from my cousin last month. Hopefully, I'll be proficient by the time autumn rolls around.

You are here...

2011-05-09T08:22:00.002-04:00

Am I ever excited about this movie...

2011-05-05T19:19:00.003-04:00

"Knowledge itself is power." ~Francis Bacon

2011-05-05T12:16:00.000-04:00

NPR: The Sad, Beautiful Fact That We're All Going To Miss Almost Everything

Life on easy street is coming to an end?

2011-05-05T10:58:00.004-04:00

IMF Bombshell: Age of America Nears End

GOOD: Infographic -- U.S. Military Spending versus Foreign Aid

2011-05-05T10:47:00.003-04:00

I'll let MLK (partially) say it...

2011-05-02T17:35:00.007-04:00

I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. "Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. (1957) & Jessica Dovey (2011)

Breaking it down...

2011-04-15T00:28:00.000-04:00

I give this country 20 years tops...

2011-04-07T20:24:00.001-04:00

This political game is unsustainable.

ThinkProgress: While Slamming Obama For Opposition To ‘Troop Funding Bill,’ House GOP Votes Down Troop Funding — Twice

CNN: How to cure U.S. budget 'stupidity'

2011-04-07T13:52:00.000-04:00

Just a little off the top...

2011-04-05T18:01:00.002-04:00

Since I separated from the Air Force at the end of last August, I've been working at growing my hair out. Like many at the end of their military service, the growing of the hair offers a bit of freedom that was previously so heavily regulated. I had a few reasons why I chose to let my hair grow: I wanted to try having long hair and I didn't want to pay for haircuts (every two weeks like I had to before). With the exception of a trim in November, I've been letting it do its thing.

However, these past few weeks, I've begun to grow tired of always wearing a cap. For months, my hair was too long to style, and "glue" into place with hair gel or pomade. Therefore, I was forced to wear a cap whenever I left the apartment. I don't attend church and I don't have a job, so it's not as though I needed to have it cut. Nevertheless, my patience ran its course yesterday night, so it was off to Fantastic Sams this afternoon (thanks to a 50% off coupon for donating blood).

Man, do I feel like a million bucks! Gone are the "wings" that protruded from underneath my cap. Gone if the bouffant hair when I take off my hat on a dry day. Gone is the cap! Somehow I doubt that I'll be growing it out again in the near future.

"I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him." ~Abraham Lincoln

2011-04-05T17:45:00.004-04:00

"The American crafstman still thrives, because when it comes to getting certain things done well and with beauty, a human hand guided by human eye, ear, and imagination can still be the highest technology of all."

American Craftsman Project

Vimeo: Mad As Hell! Kinetic Typography

2011-04-01T15:56:00.002-04:00

450 words individually synced and animated to the famous monologue from the 1976 movie "Network". Still timely today...

The Haves and Have Nots of the Stock Market

2011-04-01T15:51:00.001-04:00

Since 91% of stocks are owned by the Plutocracy, the much-ballyhooed rise in the stock market as proof the recession is over is perception management/ propaganda.

300 Years of FOSSIL FUELS in 300 Seconds

2011-03-31T17:14:00.000-04:00

President Obama is going to be reelected...

2011-03-31T10:17:00.001-04:00

...because who wants these clowns running the country?

The Daily Show - Indecision 2012 - Base Race - Bachmann, Cain & Gingrich
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show - Indecision 2012 - Base Race - Santorum, Barbour & Trump
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Rome didn't fall in a day either...

2011-03-29T09:54:00.001-04:00

CBO’s Latest Budget Projections: A Deteriorating Fiscal Outlook

Think Progress: Trump the Birther

2011-03-28T11:15:00.001-04:00

Birther Donald Trump: I’m 'Really Concerned' That 'Obama Was Not Born In This Country'

I feel bad for President Obama at times... I don't agree with many of the things he has done, but to be constantly be bombarded by racism has got to get to him. Though, I never thought that I'd hear Trump spouting this nonsense. It's not surprising that Fox News is supporting this; anything to keep pushing the fear of having this powerful "Kenyan" black man running the country. Ridiculous!

Sarah Kay: "If I should have a daughter..."

2011-03-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

The Huffington Post: The GOP Plot to Screw the Economy and the Middle Class

2011-03-25T11:22:00.000-04:00

The GOP Plot to Screw the Economy and the Middle Class

This country is screwed...

2011-03-24T15:57:00.000-04:00

See this movie!

Pride still intact...

2011-03-22T17:19:00.002-04:00

I spoke with my C++ Programming teacher before class this morning, and informed him of my inability to grasp the program and my intention to drop the class. He replied that this assignment will be the most difficult we will have this semester, and recommended that I wait until the end of class to make my decision, as we were going to review the assignment during class.

We did review the assignment, and some things were made clearer, but I don't feel as though I would've been able to write the program on my own. I understand the individual concepts involved, but just wasn't able to assemble them into a working program. However, I took copious notes as we reviewed his version of the assignment, and I spent a little time this afternoon trying to duplicate it (still can't quite grasp it).

However, since we are now moving on to new programming concepts, I feel confident that I will be able to keep up. Besides, his office is on the floor above the classroom, so I will definitely be paying him a visit if I run into a wall again. While I don't particularly enjoy programming, the class has been insightful and challenging, so I do enjoy those aspects. This challenge just proves that I need to dedicate more time to the class. With Spring Break next week, I will have to set aside time for this (and my other three classes).

My pride takes a hit...

2011-03-21T18:45:00.003-04:00

I am about 99% sure that I am going to drop my C++ Programming class tomorrow, as tomorrow is the last day to drop the course with a 'W'. This was not in my plans at the beginning of the semester. My original was to pass the class with a 'B' or higher, since this is a class I'm retaking. Way back in 1997 or so, I thought that I'd get into computer programming, and I signed up for this course. Only, it was not what I thought it was going to be, and instead of dropping it, I just stopped going. "I'm never going back to this college again, so why does it matter," I thought. Little did I know that almost 15 years later, I'd be back at the same college with a nice 'F' on my transcript. So, since the college has grade forgiveness, I'll just retake it since I am highly motivated now (and since college is my full-time job).

Fast-forward a few weeks, and I find that the class still sucks just as much as it did then. However, I only lightly debated dropping the class, as I was always able to knock out the homework. Then, I received this assignment:

Write a C++ program that will determine whether the design of a square timber column is safe. It must pass three tests to be considered satisfactory.

a. Buckling load:
Maximum load = (.3 * E * Area) / (Length / Width)2

b. Compressive stress:
Maximum load = Area * Maximum compressive strength

c. Slenderness limit:
Length / Width <= 50Where:E = the modulus of elasticity = 1,700,000 lb/in2Area = the cross sectional area in square inchesMaximum compressive strength = 445 lb/in2 for a Douglas Fir tree.

The program has been kicking my ass for days, and I am making very little progress. For some reason, I am just not able to grasp the "language" and apply it. This bothers me greatly as I am usually able to pick things up once I put my mind to it. Then again, I haven't been completely in the school mindset this year. Not that it was guaranteed to help with the class, but I wish that I could've been able to get into the VA clinic sooner (still looking like June).

Unfortunately, since this class wasn't covered by the GI Bill (not part of my degree plan), I'll have to pay back the Pell Grant money that I received. Also, this will drop me to below full-time for the semester, so hopefully that doesn't affect my Pell Grant status for the next semester. Suppose I can ask these questions tomorrow.

Who rules America?

2011-03-20T19:06:00.002-04:00

Ben Stein from 2006...

2011-03-14T10:12:00.003-04:00

The New York Times: Ben Stein - In Class Warfare, Guess Which Class Is Winning

Political games have consequences...

2011-03-14T09:55:00.001-04:00

I wish that more Americans were more angry and embarrassed by this. Not the troop's pay issues, but rather the political games that continue. This bickering amongst political ideologues with their own self-interests (or Party interests) while claiming they're fighting for "the people" has become ridiculous. Up until the tragedy in Japan, more people followed that dumb ass Charlie Sheen than what was happening in the government. The majority of Americans just don't care, and our complacency will only hurt us.

Military Times: If government shuts down, so would troop pay

Actually, it doesn't appear as though troop pay would be affected. Clarified in the article below.

Most DoD, VA employees would keep working during a shutdown

However, our GI Bill benefits (and those receiving disability payments) would be affected if the shutdown lasts more than a month.

Army Times: Government shutdown would hurt veterans

Unimaginable...

2011-03-13T11:04:00.001-04:00

L.A. TImes: Japan hit by magnitude 8.9 earthquake (Photos)